HOW TO COMMUNICATE

Always hear the ‘Yes’ in the ‘No’.

Never do anything that isn’t play.

Avoid ‘shoulding’ on others and yourself!

Ask before offering advice or reassurance.

Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

Use anger as a wake-up call to unmet needs.

We need to receive empathy to give empathy.

Every time I mess up is a chance to practice.

Translate all self-judgments into self-empathy.

When we judge others we contribute to violence.

Classifying and judging people promotes violence.

Depression is the reward we get for being ‘good’.

Punishment is the root of violence on our planet.

When we are angry, killing people is too superficial.

Don’t hate the circumstance, you may miss the blessing

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

Empathy lies in our ability to be present without opinion.

The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it.

Plans to exact retribution are never going to make us safer.

Empathy gives you the ability to enjoy another person’s pain.

Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.

Learning is too precious to be motivated by coercive tactics.

Enemy images are the main reason conflicts don’t get resolved.

The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.

At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs.

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.

Take your time to understand. Don’t just do something, be there.

The number one rule of our training is empathy before education.

Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger.

It may be most difficult to empathize with those we are closest to.

Empathizing with someone’s ‘no’ protects us from taking it personally.

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.

Getting in touch with unmet needs is important to the healing process.

A difficult message to hear is an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.

Criticism, analysis, and insults are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Self-empathy in NVC means checking in with your own feelings and needs.

We are responsible for what we hear other people say and for how we act.

What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause.

Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward.

Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need.

When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values.

Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

With empathy, I’m fully with them, and not full of them – that’s sympathy.

With empathy we don’t direct, we follow. Don’t just do something, be there.

The cause of anger lies in our thinking – in thoughts of blame and judgment.

Your presence is the most precious gift you can give to another human being.

As we learn to speak from the heart we are changing the habits of a lifetime.

NVC gives us tools and understanding to create a more peaceful state of mind.

Always listen to what people need rather than what they are thinking about us.

Upset? Ask yourself what this person does that is a trigger for judging them?

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

Compliments and praise, for their part, are tragic expressions of fulfilled needs

Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs.

What all the basic religions are saying is this: Don’t do anything that isn’t play.

Get very clear about the kind of world we would like and then start living that way.

When we hear the other person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.

We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences.

We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.

As long as I think I ‘should’ do it, I’ll resist it, even if I want very much to do it.

I don’t think you can have an authentic connection when one person is diagnosing the other.

It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.

Understanding the other persons’ needs does not mean you have to give up on your own needs.

We are never angry because of what others say or do. It is our thinking that makes us angry.

When we understand the needs that motivate our own and others behavior, we have no enemies.

NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people.

People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being.

The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things ‘because we’re supposed to.’

All moralistic judgments, whether positive or negative, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value.

Our goal is to create a quality of empathic connection that allows everyone’s needs to be met.

In our culture, most of us have been trained to ignore our own wants and to discount our needs.

The key to fostering connection in the face of a ‘no’ is always hearing ‘yes’ to something else.

To practice NVC, we must completely abandon the goal of getting other people to do what we want.

The first step in healing is to put the focus on what’s alive now, not what happened in the past.

Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.

We are never angry because of what others say or do; it is a result of our own ‘should’ thinking.

NVC is a way of keeping our consciousness tuned in moment by moment to the beauty within ourselves.

To be able to hear our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.

The spirituality that we need to develop for social change is one that mobilizes us for social change.

Miracles can happen when we can keep our consciousness away from analyzing and classifying one another.

If we want to make meetings productive, we need to keep track of those whose requests are on the table.

Schooling teaches us to dehumanize human beings by thinking of what they are rather than what they need.

NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.

We do not look for compromise; rather, we seek to resolve the conflict to everyone’s complete satisfaction.

Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying the parent’s demands.

When our communication supports compassionate giving and receiving, happiness replaces violence and grieving! ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.

We are this divine energy. It’s not something we have to attain. We just have to realize it, to be present to it.

When people hear needs, it provokes compassion. When people hear diagnoses, it provokes defensiveness and attack.

Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.

People have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people.

When it comes to giving advice, never do so unless you’ve first received a request in writing, signed by a lawyer.

Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you’ll live longer. Hear that they’re in pain. Don’t hear their analysis.

We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.

How I choose to look at any situation will greatly affect whether I have the power to change it or make matters worse.

Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.

Social change involves helping people see new options for making life wonderful that are less costly to get needs met.

The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.

If we wish to express anger fully, the first step is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.

Unless we as social change agents come from a certain kind of spirituality, we’re likely to create more harm than good.

Regardless of our many differences, we all have the same needs. What differs is the strategy for fulfilling these needs.

Keep in mind that other people’s actions can never ‘make’ you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators.

NVC suggests behind every action, however ineffective, tragic, violent, or abhorrent to us, is an attempt to meet a need.

However impressed we may be with NVC concepts, it is only through practice and application that our lives are transformed.

Postpone result/solution thinking until later; it’s through connection that solutions materialize – empathy before education.

NVC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions.

I wouldn’t expect someone who’s been injured to hear my side until they felt that I had fully understood the depth of their pain.

When we are depressed, our thinking blocks us from being aware of our needs, and then being able to take action to meet our needs.

Anger is a signal that you’re distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking, and that some precious need of yours is being ignored.

Often, instead of offering empathy, we have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling.

When our communication supports compassionate giving and receiving, happiness replaces violence and grieving! ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg

Whether I praise or criticize someone’s action, I imply that I am their judge, that I’m engaged in rating them or what they have done.

While we may not consider the way we talk to be ‘violent,’ our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or for ourselves.

We can’t win at somebody else’s expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person’s needs are fulfilled as well as our own.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent or change.

Make your goal to attend to your underlying needs and to aim for a resolution so satisfying that everyone involved has their needs met also.

Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same.